What They Don't See, May Hurt Them

I have had deep reflections on my role as a father and how I can best meet my children's everyday needs. Most of my energy day-to-day is keeping them fed, getting them to school on time, giving cuddles at bedtime, and anticipating their needs for the day ahead. More recently, I thought more deeply about what I teach them through my actions. I teach them grace, patience, kindness, and thoughtfulness on my best days with my best intentions. They also pick up the worst of my tendencies like frustration and impatience when getting out of the door on time does not go as planned.

This reflection triggered me to think about the things that they do not see at all, most critically, they have never seen anyone care for me. They have not seen their father being taken care of, loved, kissed, or hugged. They have not seen me in conflict with a partner, they have not seen thoughtful resolution with care and kindness. I have guarded them from my struggles in romantic relationships as I continue to evaluate what partnership looks like for me. It's taken me years to look inward and to make space for my feelings instead of busying myself with all that needs to be done to care for them and to provide for them.

There is a dangerous, implicit layer tied to what they do not see. They may imply that I am always going to be ok, that I don't cry, that I don't struggle, that I don't have needs to be met by a partner, that I am invincible. They see me show up and pour into them, no matter what happened at work, with a friend, or with a romantic partner. They only get a glimpse into who I am. It may matter less now, while they are still young, but I the consequences are long-lasting.

I do hope that I can show them an example of a healthy, loving, caring adult partnership one day. I want them to learn about communication, intention, conflict resolution, compromise, and other relationship tools. Through all of this, I realize that more than showing them romantic, loving care, hugs, and other displays of affection, I need these things for myself. I want care, intentional, thoughtful partnership, and everything that comes with it.